I have a zillion things on my mind and I can't afford a therapist so writing it all out will have to do. If you don't like novels, I'd stop reading now.
I finally have a car! His name is Blueberry, but he can also be called Berry, Bear, Little Bear, or Beebs. He's wonderful. He's expensive. And he's already dirty. Leaves and debris everywhere. I've already taken him to Ikea with mom and dad to buy a new dresser (which ps has revolutionized my life and closet), to the airport 2 times, oh and no big deal, on the top of Mt. Rainier. Who am I? I've had this car for a week and look at all that I'm doing. It's really crazy and wonderful having that car. My bank account doesn't look too scary. But I'm just super aware of every charge I make. I honestly have been trying not to go to the grocery store and forcing myself to eat the food that I already have. Just to save money. Kiki, that's going too far. The most I spend on a given week is $20. So shut up and buy some food.
But everything costs money! Every time I sit in it and turn it on that's gas money. I'm oddly sensitive to when people don't offer to help pay for gas. Did I ever give gas money in the two years I've lived in Seattle and mooched off others? NO. It's pay it forward time. I keep insisting to everyone that I love driving and don't mind helping them out. But I also don't want to turn into a chauffeur service. I hope that little Jewish accountant in my mind will stop being so stingy and let me just enjoy having the car. Oy.
This is of course all compounded by the fact that, for a brief week, I was under the impression that I was going to get a raise at work for a job well done. Not the case. Through a tug of war with my boss, which most definitely included me crying in her office like a champ, I ended up at a place where I'm now employed year round and back to making the same amount that I previously was. No raise, but at least I'm not out $62 every month which was almost the case.
Because of the car funds that I'm needing, I'm saying yes to anyone that wants to pay me to do something (prostitution excluded). Babysitting is happening left and right. I'm also currently house sitting for one of my bosses. Easy--go get the mail, sleep in the house, water the garden, easy. But they have a cat. I'm allergic to cats. I'm trying to suck it up and just deal but this means getting bad sleep and worrying that that thing will jump on my face. I've started locking it out of the bedroom at night. Jean Louis can suck it. But it's odd how much I love playing house. I relish not having to be in my apt and coming to this little log cabin out in the middle of nowhere and reading books or watching tv and just enjoying how quiet it is. I probably don't have to sleep here, but I like it.
Most likely because my apt situation is very weird at the moment. My roommate (Amanda, the one that moved in in Dec when previous roommate Kelly left with only a month's notice) has decided that she's going to move out at the end of our lease. I assume it's to live with her boyfriend but that's only because I don't want to entertain the idea that I'm not a fun person to live with. It sucks having to find some rando to live with. I have 20 mins with a person and a few emails to determine whether or not living with them is a good idea. I had two options for the new roommate because I love my apt and really, REALLY did not want to move. Option 1: Tamara--works as an Assistant Manager at Pagliacci Pizza. Went to school for interior design in California and didn't finish. Wants to write a romance novel. Seems laid back, will have completely different schedules so if we don't mix well we won't get in each other's hair, and she's been extremely responsible when it comes to emailing, showing up and giving information. Option 2: an 18 year old ballerina with an overbearing Mom. I'll save you the grief of even entertaining that scenario: I went with option 1 once her application got approved. So she'll be moving in at the end of the month. Will we actually mesh? How is this going to work out? Is Amanda even looking for places to live? I just hope that Amanda leaves with no issues and that Tamara and I end up being a good match. And I hope that Tamara doesn't bring home left over pizza because mama doesn't need to be eating all those calories.
Speaking of food, I've given up desserts until I run the half marathon in Jan. I've been doing it for, HOLY COW, 3 weeks and I haven't cheated once. That includes extravagant dinners with my parents where they all but peer pressured me into a lava cake. That includes not 1 but THREE trips to Top Pot Doughnuts with various people and I didn't budge. I didn't even get a frozen yogurt at the Mall today. Strength and willpower! I hope that I can actually train for this thing. I'm crippled with fear that I won't make progress and some lame Mickey Golf Cart is going to have to pick me up because I can't keep up and will drive me to the finish line where I won't be getting a medal. Worst nightmare ever. I don't know how to train and I'm just kind of lost about the whole thing. I know I'm making progress, I ran a very slow 5 miles the other day, but will it be enough? I have no idea. I worry about that too.
Things are just stressful. Life is stressful. But now I have renter's insurance so I don't have to worry about my furs and jewels which, let me tell you, is a huge relief.
I'm also getting pretty overbooked these days. I know I started this blog as a way to not go crazy from all of the down time after work and lack of friends. My situation could not be more different. Every night I have something in my planner. Every night. I haven't even bought my new Aug-Aug plan and I'm worried that I'll forget something in Sept because I won't have it written down. I'm with friends, I'm doing work, someone is coming in town, this new movie is happening, Kiki I never see you so let's make a date, it just never stops. I need to learn to say no to things. Another reason I love house sitting--I made no plans tonight. My friend Nick was just in town and stayed with me for 6 days. That is so long to be entertaining someone. We had a great time and I'm so thankful that he came, but I'm exhausted. Thank god I can just sit here, and sip this wine and not be expected to do anything else.
Although I also get anxiety when I don't have plans. Like, well what are my friends doing? Was I not invited? Did I forget that I need to be doing something? Even when I do have down time, I worry about it. I need to get over that in a hot second. I haven't even had time to fully stock my new dresser. Or clean out my car from the fun that we had in it. Or open my mail. I think I'm going to write down in my planner that some day this weekend is freakin Kiki Day and I'm going to do all of the stuff around the apt that I need to do. I'll make myself all of my own food and just check things off my list. And when the list is complete, I'm still not going to do anything. Because I need to learn how to spend more time by myself. I like this blog and I never write in it because I don't have time. I want to find the time.
This is also probably stemming from the fact that tonight I started reading Eat, Pray, Love. I really wanted to read it before I saw the movie since I know I'll enjoy the book more. I didn't want it to be tainted in case the movie sucked. But that woman! She's amazing. I sometimes think that I want to do exactly what she did. Up and leave for a year. Forget my job, my obligations and all of these pointless things that I stress out about and just go and experience the world. Learn new things. Soak it all up. Try things I never have before. I think it's something that I'll do eventually, but every now and then I wish I was doing it tomorrow.
I could keep going and going. But you are not a therapist and this spiral needs to stop. And by that I mean that my wine glass is empty and does not need a refill. Until tomorrow night.
This post was not meant to enlist comments, suggestions or feedback. I'll figure it out like I always do, but this is what I'm thinking about. These are all of the things that are just fishing around in my head during my 24th year on this Earth, and one day I'm going to want to remember all of these trivial things that are getting me down which is why I'm writing them down. Because none of this stuff actually matters, but right now it feels like it does.
